Never Here to Stay

Not the feelings woeful, dreary

Nor the monster I feel clearly

Break that truth that I hold dearly

Meaning is as meaning is

*

Wake up in a state downturned

I lie in wait for feelings churned

To settle while my stomach burns

Panic is as panic is

*

While I feel that nothing means

The thing that others see it seems

Regardless I in good times beam

Happy is as happy is

*

Settle down at home, it’s dark

While thoughts of nothing hit their mark

Sometimes, briefly, there’s life, a spark

Depression is as depression is

*

But in these states, I accept the fate

That’s given to me, no thought or query

Except when happy is that place, happy’s an untrustworthy face

I anticipate the fate of the state

That my mind has so stupidly gave

I doubt that happy can ever stay, because my fate to be in a sad state, is foretold by the bait that is my need to anticipate

*

You see feelings don’t just come and go without meaning or reason

They come and go, because we ask them to our ball

And that’s not because we don’t have the balls to ask them to leave at midnight

It’s because we trick ourselves, when in a passionate state, to think that is simply our fate

There will never again be a reason to feel joy

There won’t ever be a chance to kiss all the pretty boys

Or girls

Or whatever

We delude ourselves into a place of worry

Is this right?

Is this wrong?

Will it be right or wrong?

It doesn’t matter, whatever it is, is

Whatever it is won’t change because you wonder about it, but we have to wonder all the same

The trap of thinking that if you are thinking hard enough about something happening, it will somehow not happen

But like looking the wrong way while riding a bike, feelings have a tendency to follow your lead

What you need to do is nothing.

What you want to do, that’s what matters

*

No one wants to be depressed or anxious. No one wants panic attacks or suicidal thoughts.

People want love. Acceptance. They might want money or power or sex. And, hey, all of those could be fun too.

But none of them involve the step of deluding yourself into thinking that nothing really matters

After all, if Freddy Mercury thought that, he wouldn’t have needed to tell anyone not to stop him.

*

I’d like this to have a smooth wrap up, like I’ve got the answers, but willpower alone doesn’t cut it.

Sometimes you really do need drugs.

And I’m no psychiatrist

I’m just a dude that sometimes gets pissed

When the only state of being I can possess myself to feel

Is the same as a fourteen year old for the first time asking “Is this even really real?”

So, no, I don’t have any wisdom, but I had a good day

The happiness it brought in may quickly go away

But at least it proved to me, that depression, too, is never here to stay

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